what if my relatives are right what if i rly shouldnt be w him bc nothing truly good can come out of it

anyway i keep telling him its ok to hang out w her and he doesnt mind and she even had like an idea that we should hang out together and part of me is totally fine w that

the other part is totally not fine w that i feel smth like jealousy stirring up inside me when we mention her more than for just a brief second and its awful and i hate it bc part of me knows that i got nothing to be jealous of and hes overcome her and she him and they just need to share their problems w smb who understands

and yet the other part feels like im unimportant or at least less important than her bc shes been thru the same things hes been thru and they understand each other and im just the fake happy girl whos annoying w her overwhelming at times optimism

and yet i want him to meet up w her they both need it even id find it interesting to talk to her

and yet

i often think im super selfish but actually im getting rly selfless like

that Girl who was like his past n everything she wrote to him today bc breakdown n everything n apparently she is anorexic (35 kg wtf ??) and im actually super worried abt her and i wanna help too bc my cousin has been thru this and even tho my heart used to shrivel every time i thought of her now i just see her as another human who needs help and

i feel bad bc theres basically nothing i can do like abt convincing her to go to a hospital bc she probs doesnt even know abt us yet but even if she did itd be like suuuuuper awkward for both me n her lol

yesterday he gave a presentation on his depression and he mentioned me and it basically a rly good thing like made me proud and everything that he’s who he is idk and it was generally a rly good day and everything was okay and i felt nice n talkative and basically happy or w/e

but then the evening when i was at his place i started feeling hollow again and idk if it this recurrent shit is like just part of my mood changes or im running out of love or my love for him is changing and i catch myself sometimes looking at other ppl and im so confused w my thoughts and i hate myself for simply having these thoughts and idk how to rid myself of them like yesterday everything was okay until bam hey lets be blah again

wheres the problem whats wrong w me idgi

im always so scared that im giving him too much reassurance and one day i wont be able to like live up to my promises and i’ll break him more than anything else could but right now i love him but i can never know if i still will in some years and he always says he can be with me like till the end of his life and im like ughhhhhhh bc i /want/ this but im not sure if i can do it both bc of me and bc of him and theres like no solving of this its just a viscious circle ….

and i often wonder what my love actually means bc its like i wanna keep being w him bc he gives me that feeling that i used to long for but i was alone like i listen to some song and it sounds just right when im w him bc he completes the picture .. and this sounds So fucking awful its like im using him for my own idk completion or smth and i often feel guilty that i ever fell in love w him and GOd why cant it all be just as easy as any ither relationship lmao

he’s starting to often tell me i’m good for him like i make him healthier and happier and thats rly so great for me but then i think its like .. he doesn’t make me better we’re like making even our states so he gets better n i get worse and i wish i knew what to think of this lmao

coltre:

I wish I better, stronger, more patient, less stressed, lighter and way more balanced, I wish I was more like my dad wanted me to be and less like what I decided to become, I wish I was prettier and better at words, I wish I tried more, tried again more, gave more, cared more and cared less when it was the right time, I wish I waited more and I wish I waited less, I wish I was more confident and wiser, I wish I was less sensitive, less sad, I wish I knew when it was the right time, I wish I was happier, braver, special, I wish I was a star, very bright, very far

i was feeling so awful like crying for no reason n shit but he somehow pulled me back up im lovin this

i wish i knew how to quit you